Listen to the both side.

Well, well, well. I know it really has been awhile.
And I am pretty sure no one would even bother to come here to check if this blog is updated or not.
But anyway, I dont think I will still update the blog frequently, I will just write, whenever I want to :).

Back to the topic - Listen to the both side.

These days, I think I have put too much effort on my "this year's plan" till negatively affecting my own life.
Yes, my life does include friends.

In the past, I made friends to whom I think it's only worth to.
However since I enrolled myself in ACCA (probably just because I was alone for all the time) , I think it's necessary to make any friends regardless they are bad or good.

You see, I actually reclassify my friends into different classes.
1) True friends
2) Just friends
3) Useful friends
4) Friends at the front, enemy at the back.
5) Friends that I have no choice to make.

Last year (2011), I made some new friends. They were cool, kind and fun to be with.
I definitely make them my true and good friends type.
At the end of the year, it wasnt the same anymore.
I thought maybe it was just because of the stress and tension from the exam.
It will be back like before after the exam.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.
The situation didnt bounce back to how it was.
And something happened among those so called friends which made the situation went from bad to worse.
The "something" was private so I dont think it's good to expose it here.
That time , I listened to only one side of the story and decided on the side I should stand.

Time past to after Chinese New Year.
Things still dont go well but worse.
This time I feel like I am being neglected.
I admit I am busy with my work. But I was working last year too.
That dont make any sense isn't it ?

Hmm ...
Well, there is this one guy, I will just call him , B.
He was one of my so called good friend in the past.
Well, he is the one who has changed the most.
Before, whenever there is something, I will surely be invited but not again after we all came back to Kuching after the Chinese New Year.

He doesnt how we know him in the past.
But thanks to that, I see him clearier than before.
I would say, he is a type that , make friend to you when he needed you only.
But!! Surprisingly, he never treat the girls same way like how we guys are treated.
That, shows something isn't ?

And like I mentioned just now, "something" happened among them, right?
Today I finally heard the other side of the story and realise how stupid I am to judge with only one side of the things I heard.
Yes, things happened between the B and one the friend.

Well, I guess I learnt something today. :0
Always do listen to the both side first before you make any judgement and decide which side you should stand.
Good or bad, listen first.

And between me and B , I am still trying to bear with it and act as nice as I could.
If things doesn't get any better, he will go in my 3rd category of "friends"
Who CARES I will be alone again or not.

... Dahh-h?

"To be or not to be, that's the question."

"Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer."

"E=mc2"

bla bla bla bla bla...

Just wasting some time here while waiting for my friends asking me out for a dinner.
It has really been a long time since I typed a word here.
Well, the feeling is still great with those moving fingers on the keyboards pressing on the buttons creating those sounds.
Only that this time, I just can't bluntly type any words in mind :P

I am exhausted but pretty much satisfied.
The exam is just a week far from now and I am still busy with my current audit work.
But at least all the extra time has been filled up, in a good way :D.
Time of freedom is definitely restricted, which mean lesser or almost no time to play since I have to juggle from work to study :(
But at least, none are wasted like before.

Human will learn to appreciate when things get lesser or gone.
That's what I am experience right now.
I've been trying to squeeze as much time as I could since I start to work.
As you know, for work, studies, rest and even playing :D.
Yes, playing. I am not sure if I've ever mentioned in here before, one my principle would be, if you worked hard, then played hard! haha!
Dont feel like missing out any fun event with my friends and recently I am craze for badminton.
I am originally a sportsman, what I mean is a guy who loves to sport and badminton is one of my favourite.

Life is meant to be enjoyed - Love the statement and you should too.
Experience what you hate, know what you love, enjoy what you live, then forget what you hate :)

Phone rings! It's time to fill up my stomach.
Order me a horse! =X

An urge to write

"Sometimes know nothing is better than know everything"
That statement seems to be very popular among my friend's lists in the Facebook these days.
Old words, old fact, old knowledge.
But I gotta admit that I do agree with this.
Sometimes,.. just sometimes.

Human's curiosity is not meant to be underestimated.
Like how the Eve was cheated by the Evil to eat the apple on the tree then knowing the shamefulness in the world.
Everything was just out of the curiosity.
Especially if you care.. it hurts.

ARhhhh! Anyway, year 2011 is going to be over.
I gonna do something for myself :)
A big plan for turning everything around in the year 2012.
It's going to be a new Liongteck! HAH!!!!

RE: To one of the many stars

I think I found a person who is even more difficult to be served.
If it's because of the clashing of opinions or thought then I have got nothing to say but who decide that?
I would say, no, there's nothing wrong in expressing how you feel.
You may feel that you are being see-through by other people or feel offended but that's your point of view.
How bout others??

There are countless type of people in the world.
I actually learnt that some people are really willing to help without any payback.
Some people do really care about how the people around him or her feel regarding their act.
You may have offended them for not telling them that they may have hurt your feeling until they found out someday later after done the same thing for many times.
What do you think may happen in the end? - What kind of situation you may put them in?
Worst still , with your accumulated hate and anger, you may have leave him or her for a reason that you yourself may not even know how to tell.
I tell you, you don't know how and I bet you dont even know yourself in the end too.

In my thought, why not? just be straight and tell them. If they care, you know what to do. If no, I don't think you wont be in any loss as well.
For yours and theirs own sake.

If you guys think I am talking about me, think again.
I have a lot of stories on my own but I've decided to lock them out from here a long time.
Like what my cousin had told me once, "Mind your own business".
You can't serve everyone in the world, how the others think that their own business.
I do care how the others think of me too but I know I am changing.
There's always a theory on how you wanna live. That's called the science of life.
I know you don't like to burden somebody else like I do.
For me, I categorised people around me.
Families, true friends, friends and by-passer.

Who doesn't want to be loved?
Sometimes I may hold back on my true friends and definitely the friends and the by-passers but never on families.
I always want them to dig into me and let them know that I want to be loved and I love them as well.

Oh, btw, for the note, I always treat my love one as a part of me and that would means family :)

First of all, yeah~ I am back to my own hometown already.
Seriously speaking, I dont feel as excited as I thought I should be.
Too many things happened around me in the past few months.
Too many things need to be handled and accepted and I expect more coming in the future.

I think if it's not because of the tiredness, i might have just lost the sense of the excitement already :)
Since the day I'm back here, I've been trying very hard to make myself happy.
I did everything I could, I avoid everything I should.
No matter how hard I forced a smile on my face, it just doesnt feel right.

That's the reason when I don't update my blog at all :)
Because since when I've decided to come back here, there is a little determination of mine said that maybe I shouldnt let the others see how weak I am anymore.
Maybe I should not write anything sad here anymore.
It doesn't matter if a zero wears a hero's costume, what does matter is no one can see what is inside.
But I'm a Gemini, what else can I say?
When things get unbearable, I still choose to talk to the machine.

X-MEN:First Class

Has any of you watched this yet?

For God sake, go and watch this.

This is awesome!!!

If I have 3 thumbs, I definitely would raise 3 of them up!!

X-MEN : First Class.

Like how the movie is named, it's about the first class or the first generation of the X-Men.

Don't understand? How bout this, it's about when the physic man , Professor X and the super villain magnet man, Magneto when they were still teenager?

That's when the Professor X(Charles Xavier) and Magneto(Erik Lehnsherr) started to gather every mutants in the world and work together to prevent the Nuclear War.

That's before the Magneto went bad and the Professor X went bald =X. Hehe~

You know what I think? I think the real villain are the human in there. Agree?

I watched the movie last Saturday.

It's far far far far FARRR better than I expected.

You see, there is one of my friend think that the movie wont be any good since it was about the past and bla bla bla ..

At first I don't think like he did, but you know in the end, more or less you will get affected by your friend's words.

So honestly, part of my mind told me that, maybe I can see just get myself a DVD and watch it at home instead of wasting the money in the cinema.

Tell you what, LUCKILY I DID NOT DO SO!! Phew, I am about to miss one wonderful date with an awesome movie in the cinema ok??!!

I swear I will never make a pass on any Marvel movie ever again!!

I love those super heroes. I mean who doesn't??

Tell me, you never think of how nice it would be if you have those super powers?

I love every hero in the Marvel.

Spiderman, Batman, Superman, Ironman, The Incredible Hulk and etc.

Does anyone still remember The Flash? The fastest hero among them? LOL.

The Green Lantern will be released in this month!! And the Captain America will be on the coming July.

Who is going with me??!! You buy me the ticket and I can get you popcorn. :P

Happy Duan Wu Jie

Yeap~ Today is the actual day of the Duan Wu Jie which I called Zhong Zhi Jie ( aka Dumpling Day if direct translated from the Chinese).
I wonder what is it called in English, Dragon Boat Festival perhaps? I'm not sure. LOL!!
Anyway, let's stick to the Dumpling Day then. :P

Like how it is called, today is the day we Chinese eat dumpling or know as zhong zhi in Chinese.

Taken from the Google

This is how the inside looks like (taken from the Google)

Ask me if I like it? Hmmm, I would say yes and no. HAHA!!
Why? When I was a kid, I had some of them which the taste were so superb that still making me drop my saliva even by think of it.
However, after that I don't think I had any which is as nice as that one again.
Well, like how some people said, don't ever try to sit in a Mercedes cause you won't like to drive your own Perodua Kenari again. Now, got what I mean ?
I've tasted the best dumpling in the world before, so I wont say any other dumplings are good if the taste is not comparable to the one I had. :P
But of course I still had some for the past years because I believe you have to do what should we do in order to celebrate the occasion. :D
Because it makes me feel that I am a part of the celebration.

Like new clothes and firecrakers for the Chinese New Year, so, dumplings for the Dumpling days ^^.

Oh ya, if I am not mistaken, some places celebrate the day by organizing the dragon boat racing.

Taken from the Google

I've never seen any before but honestly to tell you guys, I don't really have any interest in it. = /

If my memory serves me right, I think when I was still a kid there was once or maybe few times the racing were organized in my hometown, Sibu.

I didn't get to see any of them since there were to many people were watching. LOL!

I was told by my sis that, the Singaporean celebrate the day by throwing the dumpling into the river.

Wanna know why? Let me tell you.

There was once a person called Qu Yuan from China who was wrongly accused of being a traitor who had betrayed his country.

Then he committed suicide by jumping into the deep river to prove his own innocence.

In order to prevent the fishes in the river to eat away the corpse, the villagers throw the dumplings into the river in hoping that the fishes would eat the dumpling instead.

And the tradition continued till this day in some places :).

He must be really a kind person eh?

I was told the story by someone I forgot who but I got the name by Googling it ( now you see how useful is the Google) , HEHE!

Anyway, I don't think I will be having any dumpling this year :(.

I am not going back to be reunited with my families for today.

BECAUSE I STILL HAVE AN EXAM TO ATTEND ON THIS NOON!!Arghh! Pressure! pressure whenever I think about this.

Don't ask me how is my revision already and obviously I am taking a short break from it to write something about the day.

I think it's time :(, I can already hear the bells are ringing like reminding me that the break is over. SADDD!!!

Anyway, Happy Duan Wu Jie guys and girls :)

Have a happy one, my families, beloved friends and of course you too, whoever are reading my this.

Love you, Baby Tiong.

Tears from my heart.

Stick by stick, packs by packs.
I start to wonder why am I inhaling this much nicotine these days.
I mean more than the normal days do. Much more.
I thought I've decided to quit smoking this year or maybe even reduce the amount of taking it.
Sigh.
I don't feel nicer by smoking this much, but why?
I guess I am just trying to keep myself busy and trying to keep myself awake.
I am exhausted, very very tired. But I really don't feel like sleeping at all.
It makes me think a lot.

Wonder when it started.
I mean when I am afraid of being alone.
People around me is leaving one by one.
Am I that bad? ...

Whenever they parted with me, my mood will be dropped to the lowest point.
Most of the time I almost burst myself into tears.
I am all alone again, that's what I think.

I seriously need a person company me by my side.
At least talk to me.
I am willing to put on the mask and pretend to laugh at your joke no matter how cold it is.
I think that's the reason why I've been trying very hard to keep my friend by my side all the time.

I just got back from the supper.
As soon as I know my friends had finished their exam, I asked them to do something together.
Trying hard to please them.
Feels like begging them not to not leave me alone.
I am sorry for keeping you guys till so late at night.

Ignorance is one of the thing I hate the most in this world.
At least some responses are good.
At least scold me, say you hate me and say you wanna end all these crap.
It is far better than let me just hanging on the cliff hoping someday later you may come back and pull me up again.
What do you want me to do then ?????
You never know how cruel it is to me.
Enough is enough , eh? Does that mean you had enough of me?
At least explain it to me.. thoroughly!!!

Can't you see the reason behind all the messages that I've sent to you?
I know I told you don't have to reply me, but you really think I meant it?
Can't you see I really need you right now ?
Stop being that selfish, can you?
Does that mean whatever you've told me in the past are just lie?
Just to please me for awhile.... Sweet talk?

What do you want from me???!!!!!!
I can't get it at all.
For when I thought I can get over with you, you came back and leave me alone once again.
Do you know what have I been through just to fill up the hole you left in my heart?
How much I had suffered just to gain myself a little bit of confidence.
You came, and took everything away from me ... again.

I love you!! Yes, I still do.
But you don't have to exploit that love.
You really don't have to come back to me just because you think you will totally lose me.
You got yours happiness, but what about me?
Can't you just let me had some on my own as well?
At least me taste that happiness for a little longer.

I hate you, Yes , I am starting to.
I hate you when things get bad , you choose to run away , leave me alone and choose to ignore me.
I hate you know that how I afraid I am to the alone and yet you don't care for me at all.
I hate you ! I HATE YOU!!!
Damn!!

Seriously, what do you want me to do...
I really can't think of anything right now.
Why don't you just kill me.
End my life.
It least I know it's better than hurt me again and again.

I want you to be happy.
But I don't have to courage to bless you that.
You never how hurt it is to send your own love away to others.
You never know how many I did that just because I know you are in love with the others.
I feels like cutting my own meat down.

I want you to be happy.
But please, don't let me know how happy you are now.
At least I won't be able to think how much you hate me, want to ignore me and don't want to care for me anymore.

Arghhhh!!

It has been a really long time since I really need to say whatever is piled up in my heart.
Since I can't find a person to talk to and no place for me to shout, I am thinking maybe I can just come back here and type them all out.

No.... It's not because I have already forgotten the existence of my own blog.
Just that, I am trying to learn how to deal with everything myself.
Trying very hard to cope with the fact of "what I dont feel very happy with but it's not ethically wrong".

YA!!!
The source of the problem seems to be still from me myself. :)

When I was still small, I always think that the partner that you choose for your life is one of the most special person in your life.
Yup, SPECIAL!
When I say special, to me, it means one-of-a-kind, important, the one you care very much, different from the others in a good way of course and others.
However, loving her makes me doubt my own definition of the word "special".

Maybe different people has different way to define it, I dont know.
But to me, her "special" doesn't differ too much from the "normal" especially when we are far apart.

Do my words get into her ears and mind?
Are they important?
Or... maybe they were just pretty normal things for her.

Probably I am special to her but not that important.
If she feel tired about us, she can just leave which has become one of the greatest threat for me to keep on moving backward and let her to do whatever she want and yet, I am not allow to be unhappy about it.

She gave me the permission to ask about everything but ... How am I going to ask? and.. does that even make any difference if I asked ?

However, from the other way point of view, maybe it's just because of my own jealousy.
I get jealous really easy and haih... I try not to show it in front of her.

Our love started from the internet chating.
And that makes me think a lot whenever she chat and jokes with the other guys for a long time.
Don't even say when she willingly gave her own pic to the other guy to edit for her.

There is always questions in my mind that I dont really dare to ask her.
And yet she really hate me to be not happy about it.
So, other than hide my own feeling .. anyone has other suggestion on how am I going to deal with it.
I am sure it'll makes her very sad if I tell this straight in her face.

It's never her fault.
She know I dont like it and she did tried to change for me too which makes me really glad that she did.
She does really care for me sometimes and it really did warm my heart up.
Maybe that's her.
For unknowingly did things I dont really like and still doesnt realise them.
For love to make a lot of friends regardless they are guys or girls and become the center of attraction in them.
For treating her friends very nice, maybe way too nice enough to create any misunderstanding.
For not realise that it is an act of seducing instead of normal way to treat a friend.

Honestly, sometimes I really do want to just let her go.
Grant her her's absolute freedom.
For me never to care anymore.

But I know it's my heart..
Has always been my heart ..
Tells me , it's her..
Still her.

That's the reason for me to still hold onto it as long as there is still the tiniest chance of hope exist.

Zerolise.

From a hero to a zero.
It's not that hard.
It only takes few days time and a woman you love :).
And the pain in your heart.




曲: 周杰倫
Qu: Zhou Jie Lun
Music: Jay Chou

詞：方文山
Ci: Fang Wen Shan
Lyrics: Vincent Fang

Translation: wackycashew – www.jay-chou.net

斷了的弦 再怎麼連
duan le de xuan zai zen me lian
A broken string, how can it be reconnected?

我的感覺 妳已聽不見
wo de gan jue ni yi ting bu jian
My feelings, you already cannot hear

妳的轉變 像斷掉的線
ni de zhuan bian xiang duan diao de xian
Your changes are like a string that’s been broken

再怎麼接 音都不對
zai zen me jie yin dou bu dui
No matter how I adjust, the sound won’t be right

妳的改變 我能夠分辨
ni de gai bian wo neng gou fen bian
Your changes, I have the ability to distinguish

Verse

我沉默 妳的話也不多
wo chen mo ni de hua ye bu duo
I’m silent, you don’t have much to say either

我們之間少了什麼 不說
wo men zhi jian shao le shen me bu shuo
Between us, what are we missing? Let’s not say

哎喲 微笑後 表情終於有點難過
ai yo wei xiao hou biao qing zhong yu you dian nan guo
Aiyo…After smiling, my expression finally has a bit of sadness

握著妳的手
wo zhe ni de shou
Holding your hand

問妳決定了再走
wen ni jue ding le zai zou
Asked you for your final decision before I left

我突然釋懷的笑
wo tu ran shi huai de xiao
I suddenly laughed with a relieved heart

笑聲盤旋半山腰
xiao sheng pan xuan ban shan yao
The laughter circled around the middle of a mountain

隨風在飄搖啊搖
sui feng zai piao yao a yao
Floated with the wind, swaying

來到妳的面前繞
lai dao ni de mian qian rao
Arrived before you, pacing back and forth

妳淚水往下的掉
ni lei shui wang xia de diao
Your tears streamed down

說會記住我的好
shuo hui ji zhu wo de hao
Saying that you will remember my goodness

我也彎起了嘴角 笑
wo ye wan qi le zui jiao xiao
I also curled up the corners of my mouth, smiling

*妳的美 已經給了誰
ni de mei yi jing gei le shui
Your beauty has already been given to whom?

追了又追 我要不回
zhui le you zhui wo yao bu hui
Chasing and chasing again, I can’t get it back

我了解 離開樹的葉
wo liao jie li kai shu de ye
I understand that the leaves that have left the trees

屬於地上的世界 凋謝
shu yu di shang de shi jie diao xie
Belong to the world of the ground, withering

Chorus

斷了的弦 再彈一遍
duan le de xuan zai tan yi bian
A broken string, playing once more

我的世界 妳不在裡面
wo de shi jie ni bu zai li mian
My world, you’re not in it

我的指尖 已經彈出繭
wo de zhi jian yi jing tan chu jian
My fingertips have already become calloused from the playing

還是無法 留妳在我身邊
hai shi wu fa liu ni zai wo shen bian
But still there’s no way for me to keep you by my side

斷了的弦 再怎麼連
duan le de xuan zai zen me lian
A broken string, how can it be reconnected

我的感覺 妳已聽不見
wo de gan jue ni yi ting bu jian
My feelings, you already cannot hear

妳的轉變 像斷掉的線
ni de zhuan bian xiang duan le de xian
Your changes are like a string that’s been broken

再怎麼接 音都不對
zai zen me jie yin dou bu dui
No matter how I adjust, the sound won’t be right

妳的改變 我能夠分辨
ni de gai bian wo neng gou fen bian
Your changes, I have the ability to distinguish

A dream

Two days ago, I was dreaming that one of my best friend was trying to kill me but in the end he killed her instead.
It was me the main cause of her death and putting her through the dangerous situation.
It was my fault for not pushing her away when she refused to leave by myside.
By the time I know she's dead because of me, eveything will be too late.
I should have know it was just a dream by the time she hold onto my hand and promised to never leave me no matter what happen.
I suppose to know it was a dream from the start when she with me.
Because those are the things that will be impossible to happen ever again.

I feel weak.

I didnt sleep for the whole night rushing my 40 questions to be done in 3 days time.
Each of them takes me at least 3- to 45 minutes to be done roughly only.
The Sun rises and I am struggling everywhere to look a stick of cigarrate, an ammo for me to fight through the day.
Thanks God for leaving me a stick left in my bag.
But no thanks for You to let me to choose a wrong time to relax my mind for awhile.

I always know since yesterday's dream, my mind keep on pulling me towards her.
I've tried everything to distract her off; I am willing to pay for it but it doesnt work at all.
The songs that I've been singing, the lyrics and the musics seem to keep reminding me of her everytime.
I've tried to yell, tried on my every masks, ...no hope.

I know, I can't afford to distract even a little for these 3 days.
But whenever I am at my weakest point, the stronger the senses of her got into my mind.

Oh..What should I do?
What else can I do?
Why cant I just be like a man, forget anything as long as I will for it.

People said, even the strongest man in the world may crumble for a love.
I might the only person in the world raising his both hand agree with the fact.

How nice it would be if I am like the Aladdin who found a magical lamp with a genie granting my 3 wishes.

I will grant you your freedom as my third wish, Genie.
But before that, happiness for all the people around me especially the person I love the most.
Next, will be me disappear from this world, wiping every evidence about my existence.

With these, no one will be sad anymore, none have to pretend and no one with the excessive feeling of missing a person anymore.

It doesnt feel good when you miss a person a lot but you could say it out as you know no one will care.
It will only make you look stupidier and weaker.
Sometimes, I really think that, it's the time.
For me to terminate everything that's connected to her.
This blog, my facebook, my e-mail, my msn..
Till I do my part...my mind and my heart.

Who...you me? or her and them. Obvious.

It is said that, the person who asked the most is the person to worry and care the most.
But at the same time, he or she might be the bad person in the story who is trying to figure out how's the thing goes and plan a further step for another evil plan.
Not sure which one, but I am trying hard to figure out which role I am playing at.
Innocent or the evil one.

I gotta admit I did asked her out for awhile last week.
I don't know if it's the loneliness had blinded me or am I really had went crazy for being alone for a too long time.
That's just the time when I learnt how scary will the loneliness be. When I always thought that I am always a good loner.

Maybe I should say, it's a fortunate thing that she doesn't care at all. =)
Yes, I was rejected, undirectly.

I thought I should be the one crying and pity by others.
But the fact is, I am not. At least I know I dont have the right to be.
You see, today I snapped myself out from my "evil plan".
I don't really know the true reason for me to ask her out again when I promise not to even contact with her again.

I almost forget the reason I decide to let her go and never to see her again.
I almost forget the pain I had to go through when she decided to put a full stop to the story that I struggled so hard to save.
I almost forget the cold tears she dropped not because of us, but for just seeing me in a miserable situation.
More importantly...I almsot forget how I miserably messed up her life, and the pain I gave her for her to decide not to hold onto the love that was once so strong.

I had a dream today.
Call it a sweet dream or nightmare, I dont really know anymore.
I was asked to hug her by no one but herself.
I knew it was a dream the moment she hold onto my hands but I just did it anyway.
I always knew the dream was going to end but at least, I was able to feel the great feeling I had once in the past again which I know, it's impossible in reality anymore.
But...just right before I woke up..
I felt tears rolling down my cheek.
I dont know if it's mine or hers.
It just broke my heart.

All the while, I thought that if I try very hard to think at the bright side I might just free myself from this love bound.
If I can't find my way out, I just have to close my eyes and rush foward for one day later, I might be able to have my wings back once again.
However, these loneliness made me realise that I am not going anywhere except than running around the circle.

God,...I really am sorry... I just couldnt do it alone.
I am lost again.
Please guide me.
Tell me how and what I should do.
At least a better resolve, a better determination for me to stop looking for her anymore.
I dont want to hurt her anymore...Help me.

Fuck the loneliness, Fuck the pain..
Tie me up, hide my wings,,,Shut my heart and brain down.

Y

It has been a week since I am all alone without a single soul company me by myside.
This is terrible and I know I had underestimate the term of lonely too much.
And now I am punished due to my own arrogant.
Somehow, this really remind me of a sentence said by a character in the movie, Protege, "Which is scarier; loneliness or drug?"
I am sure I can't differentiate them apart as well.

I got to know one of her friend had passed away today.
And she got so sad that she cried and even made a video for her dear friend.

Hmmm..
I just wonder, why it makes me wanna cry with them as well.
It seems to sour inside and made my tears flows from my both eyes as well.

I dont know..
Could it be of their friend's tragedy??
Or maybe I was just touched by their friendship ness.
Probably just because I am so alone these days, so I was already down in mood from the begining.
But I am just thinking..Could it be that I got to know she is really sad now?

It breaks my heart unconsiously and I failed to hold onto my tears when the image of her crying appear in my mind.
And the worst thing is, I am not able to do anything to ease her heart a little except than the sms I sent to her after considering for a very long time. - If only it works.

It pains to know when you are not needed.
It pains even more to see the person you cherish so much are so sad and you are not able to do anything at all.

All I can say is,
Cheer up, girl. Your dear friend is with God now. She is happy with friends like you all. Be strong and pray for her.

Unexpected

Honestly I didn't really expect her to poped up in my mind so much tonight.
When I say didn't expect, it means I was totally unprepared which is a bad thing and the reason that lead me to here once again.

It started when my friend asked me to go for the "old cow vs tender grass movie".
Evryone who had already watched the movie should know that the movie was about the beautiful love stories that make you tears and mucus from nose.
Actually I don't really hate those love stories or movies.
It is just that watching those kind of movies remind me a lot her.
"How nice if they are me and you" bla bla bla...
To make thing worst, even though it was a late movie, there were still a lot of couple watching the movie including my friends. =/ hmmm...

"Alright", I thought, " I guess when I'm back, I will just maple a little before go to bed. This should do some distraction"
However, ... You see when I was back to Sibu last to time, I brought over a radio clock with me here. Since then, whenever I am back to my room, I will just on the radio to break the silentness in my room and as well to find some new songs to listen to.
But tonight, there's not a single new song in the air.
Instead, there are only those slow and sad songs and almost all of them make me remind about the past of me and her.
Some songs are taboo to me and they were all aired. =.="

In the end, I am here. Duhhh....
Don't ask me why, I don't know me myself as well.
Maybe I am just hoping after writing evrything in here, it might ease my heart a little.
A little would be enough since the desperate person can't be choosy isn't it?
Or...
Could this be a way for me to say " I miss you"
to ask " sometime, do you ever miss me more you should since that day? If yes, what will you do?"

you know, everytime when I think about you and her, it reminds me of how happy you are now.
That's what encourage me to push myself as far as I could from you.

The Moon might not be blue anymore.

I've been trying so hard to avoid everything that remind me of her since that day.
Limiting my thoughts, blocking every single memory of hers.
Distracting my attention everytime when I know things about her is going to appear.
Focusing on controlling eveywhere single of nerve at my fingers not to click anything about her on my laptop. Including this blog of mine that accumulated my memories of hers.
I know I've been trying to follow her steps to avoid instead of facing the cruel reality.
I thought if I can hold onto these for as long as I could, I might just get through these eventually.

Oh well.
I'm now standing at the balcony outside my room, armed with my itouch and a cigarate lited on the other hand.
I'm not sure if I'm already at my limit, the silent ness of the night, or is it this feeling of loneliness that guide me to this old blog of mine.
Maybe it's just my heart that seems haven't done wanting to talk to you I guess.
I'm gotta have to admit all of these happened without filtering through my mind.
That's what happen when I act according to my feeling =\.

Maybe just tonight, I will be breaking the law of you to trepass through me.

My has always been a dark one since I was a kid.
I always act as tough as I could not to be standing at the bottom, avoid any help from others and of course not to burden anyone around me.
Till the day you appeared.
You are just like the light who lit up the darkness inside of me and taught me there is always someone I could rely on.
I just don't have to carry everything on myself.
I'm happy and hope of keeping evrything of you just with me.
Maybe, just because I overdid this, you left.

I know I couldn't Never ever have the chance to look for you anymore.
As it was me myself who decided on this.
Because I know who I am, how weak my resolve would be, I might just force myself into you again.
And I might scare you if it does happen again.
That's what I've been trying to avoid. For you to be scare of me.

I was just thinking, if there is one day for the "blue moon" do appear again for you to read this, ...
I'm sorry.
And thank you for once litting up inside my life.

A short one

Sometimes, I feel like crying for you as the reason.
But I hold onto my tears trying so hard to divert my thought to anything else but you.
For at least I know, I don't drop tears for you anymore.
Obviously, I still cant get over with the pain of losing you.
But I do try as hard as I could to mask up the wound.
Like how stubborn my heart towards you, I will try with all my might masking them up.
For no one else can ever trace a single of you in me anymore.

Be happy, girl, BE REALLY HAPPY. I mean it. I swear.

I thought I've gained the immunity.
I thought with everything I did, I will be able to go through everything peacefully.
I dont need any glory but not the pain as well.
I thought The God must have answered my prayer by taking away the pain in exchange with the happiness.

But why, without any warning she appeared before my eyes??!!!!!!
Damn it!!
Confidence that I've been working so hard picked up little by little had been crashed into nothing at all.
I just, couldnt do anything.
No!! I can't cry.
With all my might I hold onto myself.
No!! I can't chase her from behind.
I promise myself not to take a single step forward anymore.
She's happy now and I should forget any possibility about me and her.

Damn it GOD!!
This hurts!

Why do I still feel my question would be answered one day later?
I've been so careful since that day but everything is ruined.

I should've reject my friends for the movie just now.
I should've lock myself in my own room today.

I really wonder what's in her mind when she saw me just now.
Must be feeling damn unlucky at that time.
or..
It's funny to see how pitiful I've become.

I tried, I swear to God I tried to shake away everything and laugh.
But I just couldn't make it right.

I don't want to sleep tonight.
I don't want to cry today.
I don't want these kind of feeling anymore.
I give up and I dont want to try anything anymore.
I just wanna sit here peacefully in the dark and hug myself.
Not doing anything.
Just to be as careful as I can, keeping my mind blank..........................................................
Letting the time pass by.
Do waht I should do, finish my job and leave everything behind, disappear.

If the time is not the cure.
All I can do is to escape from everything.

Two Is Better Than One

It's a kind of human nature to choose what's better in or for their life.
It's not selfish, not self-priority.
Not purposely hurting, not to be sorry at all.
For the current me, maybe Two is really better than One...

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey..."

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one
Two is better than one

你看不到的天空

Artist Name: Evan Yo
Album Name: 寂寞，好了
Song Name: 你看不到的天空

好像飄浮了很久
自從那天你放開了手
應該是兩個人來的港口
我一個人在虛擬溫柔

用你的目光看海
可樂冰痛了我的指頭
幸福又快樂的地球人
不斷從我的身邊經過

對你還能怎麼說　能怎麼做
做什麼也都不夠
插在口袋中
是沒有人來握住的手

我的表情並不多　心也不痛
我只不過是不懂
世界在熱鬧什麼

我在你看不到的天空　
看著燦爛的煙火
這城市孤單的人只有我

沒有誰在乎　誰跟誰分手
每個時鐘都繼續轉動

許下你聽不到的承諾　
流星怎麼不墜落
在倒數聲中我剩下什麼

沒有誰甘心　對回憶愛不釋手
但我無力對抗　這整個世界的寂寞

我該如何去面對　整個世界的寂寞