Who...you me? or her and them. Obvious.

It is said that, the person who asked the most is the person to worry and care the most.
But at the same time, he or she might be the bad person in the story who is trying to figure out how's the thing goes and plan a further step for another evil plan.
Not sure which one, but I am trying hard to figure out which role I am playing at.
Innocent or the evil one.

I gotta admit I did asked her out for awhile last week.
I don't know if it's the loneliness had blinded me or am I really had went crazy for being alone for a too long time.
That's just the time when I learnt how scary will the loneliness be. When I always thought that I am always a good loner.

Maybe I should say, it's a fortunate thing that she doesn't care at all. =)
Yes, I was rejected, undirectly.

I thought I should be the one crying and pity by others.
But the fact is, I am not. At least I know I dont have the right to be.
You see, today I snapped myself out from my "evil plan".
I don't really know the true reason for me to ask her out again when I promise not to even contact with her again.

I almost forget the reason I decide to let her go and never to see her again.
I almost forget the pain I had to go through when she decided to put a full stop to the story that I struggled so hard to save.
I almost forget the cold tears she dropped not because of us, but for just seeing me in a miserable situation.
More importantly...I almsot forget how I miserably messed up her life, and the pain I gave her for her to decide not to hold onto the love that was once so strong.

I had a dream today.
Call it a sweet dream or nightmare, I dont really know anymore.
I was asked to hug her by no one but herself.
I knew it was a dream the moment she hold onto my hands but I just did it anyway.
I always knew the dream was going to end but at least, I was able to feel the great feeling I had once in the past again which I know, it's impossible in reality anymore.
But...just right before I woke up..
I felt tears rolling down my cheek.
I dont know if it's mine or hers.
It just broke my heart.

All the while, I thought that if I try very hard to think at the bright side I might just free myself from this love bound.
If I can't find my way out, I just have to close my eyes and rush foward for one day later, I might be able to have my wings back once again.
However, these loneliness made me realise that I am not going anywhere except than running around the circle.

God,...I really am sorry... I just couldnt do it alone.
I am lost again.
Please guide me.
Tell me how and what I should do.
At least a better resolve, a better determination for me to stop looking for her anymore.
I dont want to hurt her anymore...Help me.

Fuck the loneliness, Fuck the pain..
Tie me up, hide my wings,,,Shut my heart and brain down.

Y

It has been a week since I am all alone without a single soul company me by myside.
This is terrible and I know I had underestimate the term of lonely too much.
And now I am punished due to my own arrogant.
Somehow, this really remind me of a sentence said by a character in the movie, Protege, "Which is scarier; loneliness or drug?"
I am sure I can't differentiate them apart as well.

I got to know one of her friend had passed away today.
And she got so sad that she cried and even made a video for her dear friend.

Hmmm..
I just wonder, why it makes me wanna cry with them as well.
It seems to sour inside and made my tears flows from my both eyes as well.

I dont know..
Could it be of their friend's tragedy??
Or maybe I was just touched by their friendship ness.
Probably just because I am so alone these days, so I was already down in mood from the begining.
But I am just thinking..Could it be that I got to know she is really sad now?

It breaks my heart unconsiously and I failed to hold onto my tears when the image of her crying appear in my mind.
And the worst thing is, I am not able to do anything to ease her heart a little except than the sms I sent to her after considering for a very long time. - If only it works.

It pains to know when you are not needed.
It pains even more to see the person you cherish so much are so sad and you are not able to do anything at all.

All I can say is,
Cheer up, girl. Your dear friend is with God now. She is happy with friends like you all. Be strong and pray for her.