Tears from my heart.

Stick by stick, packs by packs.
I start to wonder why am I inhaling this much nicotine these days.
I mean more than the normal days do. Much more.
I thought I've decided to quit smoking this year or maybe even reduce the amount of taking it.
Sigh.
I don't feel nicer by smoking this much, but why?
I guess I am just trying to keep myself busy and trying to keep myself awake.
I am exhausted, very very tired. But I really don't feel like sleeping at all.
It makes me think a lot.

Wonder when it started.
I mean when I am afraid of being alone.
People around me is leaving one by one.
Am I that bad? ...

Whenever they parted with me, my mood will be dropped to the lowest point.
Most of the time I almost burst myself into tears.
I am all alone again, that's what I think.

I seriously need a person company me by my side.
At least talk to me.
I am willing to put on the mask and pretend to laugh at your joke no matter how cold it is.
I think that's the reason why I've been trying very hard to keep my friend by my side all the time.

I just got back from the supper.
As soon as I know my friends had finished their exam, I asked them to do something together.
Trying hard to please them.
Feels like begging them not to not leave me alone.
I am sorry for keeping you guys till so late at night.

Ignorance is one of the thing I hate the most in this world.
At least some responses are good.
At least scold me, say you hate me and say you wanna end all these crap.
It is far better than let me just hanging on the cliff hoping someday later you may come back and pull me up again.
What do you want me to do then ?????
You never know how cruel it is to me.
Enough is enough , eh? Does that mean you had enough of me?
At least explain it to me.. thoroughly!!!

Can't you see the reason behind all the messages that I've sent to you?
I know I told you don't have to reply me, but you really think I meant it?
Can't you see I really need you right now ?
Stop being that selfish, can you?
Does that mean whatever you've told me in the past are just lie?
Just to please me for awhile.... Sweet talk?

What do you want from me???!!!!!!
I can't get it at all.
For when I thought I can get over with you, you came back and leave me alone once again.
Do you know what have I been through just to fill up the hole you left in my heart?
How much I had suffered just to gain myself a little bit of confidence.
You came, and took everything away from me ... again.

I love you!! Yes, I still do.
But you don't have to exploit that love.
You really don't have to come back to me just because you think you will totally lose me.
You got yours happiness, but what about me?
Can't you just let me had some on my own as well?
At least me taste that happiness for a little longer.

I hate you, Yes , I am starting to.
I hate you when things get bad , you choose to run away , leave me alone and choose to ignore me.
I hate you know that how I afraid I am to the alone and yet you don't care for me at all.
I hate you ! I HATE YOU!!!
Damn!!

Seriously, what do you want me to do...
I really can't think of anything right now.
Why don't you just kill me.
End my life.
It least I know it's better than hurt me again and again.

I want you to be happy.
But I don't have to courage to bless you that.
You never how hurt it is to send your own love away to others.
You never know how many I did that just because I know you are in love with the others.
I feels like cutting my own meat down.

I want you to be happy.
But please, don't let me know how happy you are now.
At least I won't be able to think how much you hate me, want to ignore me and don't want to care for me anymore.

Arghhhh!!

It has been a really long time since I really need to say whatever is piled up in my heart.
Since I can't find a person to talk to and no place for me to shout, I am thinking maybe I can just come back here and type them all out.

No.... It's not because I have already forgotten the existence of my own blog.
Just that, I am trying to learn how to deal with everything myself.
Trying very hard to cope with the fact of "what I dont feel very happy with but it's not ethically wrong".

YA!!!
The source of the problem seems to be still from me myself. :)

When I was still small, I always think that the partner that you choose for your life is one of the most special person in your life.
Yup, SPECIAL!
When I say special, to me, it means one-of-a-kind, important, the one you care very much, different from the others in a good way of course and others.
However, loving her makes me doubt my own definition of the word "special".

Maybe different people has different way to define it, I dont know.
But to me, her "special" doesn't differ too much from the "normal" especially when we are far apart.

Do my words get into her ears and mind?
Are they important?
Or... maybe they were just pretty normal things for her.

Probably I am special to her but not that important.
If she feel tired about us, she can just leave which has become one of the greatest threat for me to keep on moving backward and let her to do whatever she want and yet, I am not allow to be unhappy about it.

She gave me the permission to ask about everything but ... How am I going to ask? and.. does that even make any difference if I asked ?

However, from the other way point of view, maybe it's just because of my own jealousy.
I get jealous really easy and haih... I try not to show it in front of her.

Our love started from the internet chating.
And that makes me think a lot whenever she chat and jokes with the other guys for a long time.
Don't even say when she willingly gave her own pic to the other guy to edit for her.

There is always questions in my mind that I dont really dare to ask her.
And yet she really hate me to be not happy about it.
So, other than hide my own feeling .. anyone has other suggestion on how am I going to deal with it.
I am sure it'll makes her very sad if I tell this straight in her face.

It's never her fault.
She know I dont like it and she did tried to change for me too which makes me really glad that she did.
She does really care for me sometimes and it really did warm my heart up.
Maybe that's her.
For unknowingly did things I dont really like and still doesnt realise them.
For love to make a lot of friends regardless they are guys or girls and become the center of attraction in them.
For treating her friends very nice, maybe way too nice enough to create any misunderstanding.
For not realise that it is an act of seducing instead of normal way to treat a friend.

Honestly, sometimes I really do want to just let her go.
Grant her her's absolute freedom.
For me never to care anymore.

But I know it's my heart..
Has always been my heart ..
Tells me , it's her..
Still her.

That's the reason for me to still hold onto it as long as there is still the tiniest chance of hope exist.