Arghhhh!!

It has been a really long time since I really need to say whatever is piled up in my heart.
Since I can't find a person to talk to and no place for me to shout, I am thinking maybe I can just come back here and type them all out.

No.... It's not because I have already forgotten the existence of my own blog.
Just that, I am trying to learn how to deal with everything myself.
Trying very hard to cope with the fact of "what I dont feel very happy with but it's not ethically wrong".

YA!!!
The source of the problem seems to be still from me myself. :)

When I was still small, I always think that the partner that you choose for your life is one of the most special person in your life.
Yup, SPECIAL!
When I say special, to me, it means one-of-a-kind, important, the one you care very much, different from the others in a good way of course and others.
However, loving her makes me doubt my own definition of the word "special".

Maybe different people has different way to define it, I dont know.
But to me, her "special" doesn't differ too much from the "normal" especially when we are far apart.

Do my words get into her ears and mind?
Are they important?
Or... maybe they were just pretty normal things for her.

Probably I am special to her but not that important.
If she feel tired about us, she can just leave which has become one of the greatest threat for me to keep on moving backward and let her to do whatever she want and yet, I am not allow to be unhappy about it.

She gave me the permission to ask about everything but ... How am I going to ask? and.. does that even make any difference if I asked ?

However, from the other way point of view, maybe it's just because of my own jealousy.
I get jealous really easy and haih... I try not to show it in front of her.

Our love started from the internet chating.
And that makes me think a lot whenever she chat and jokes with the other guys for a long time.
Don't even say when she willingly gave her own pic to the other guy to edit for her.

There is always questions in my mind that I dont really dare to ask her.
And yet she really hate me to be not happy about it.
So, other than hide my own feeling .. anyone has other suggestion on how am I going to deal with it.
I am sure it'll makes her very sad if I tell this straight in her face.

It's never her fault.
She know I dont like it and she did tried to change for me too which makes me really glad that she did.
She does really care for me sometimes and it really did warm my heart up.
Maybe that's her.
For unknowingly did things I dont really like and still doesnt realise them.
For love to make a lot of friends regardless they are guys or girls and become the center of attraction in them.
For treating her friends very nice, maybe way too nice enough to create any misunderstanding.
For not realise that it is an act of seducing instead of normal way to treat a friend.

Honestly, sometimes I really do want to just let her go.
Grant her her's absolute freedom.
For me never to care anymore.

But I know it's my heart..
Has always been my heart ..
Tells me , it's her..
Still her.

That's the reason for me to still hold onto it as long as there is still the tiniest chance of hope exist.