Tears from my heart.

Stick by stick, packs by packs.
I start to wonder why am I inhaling this much nicotine these days.
I mean more than the normal days do. Much more.
I thought I've decided to quit smoking this year or maybe even reduce the amount of taking it.
Sigh.
I don't feel nicer by smoking this much, but why?
I guess I am just trying to keep myself busy and trying to keep myself awake.
I am exhausted, very very tired. But I really don't feel like sleeping at all.
It makes me think a lot.

Wonder when it started.
I mean when I am afraid of being alone.
People around me is leaving one by one.
Am I that bad? ...

Whenever they parted with me, my mood will be dropped to the lowest point.
Most of the time I almost burst myself into tears.
I am all alone again, that's what I think.

I seriously need a person company me by my side.
At least talk to me.
I am willing to put on the mask and pretend to laugh at your joke no matter how cold it is.
I think that's the reason why I've been trying very hard to keep my friend by my side all the time.

I just got back from the supper.
As soon as I know my friends had finished their exam, I asked them to do something together.
Trying hard to please them.
Feels like begging them not to not leave me alone.
I am sorry for keeping you guys till so late at night.

Ignorance is one of the thing I hate the most in this world.
At least some responses are good.
At least scold me, say you hate me and say you wanna end all these crap.
It is far better than let me just hanging on the cliff hoping someday later you may come back and pull me up again.
What do you want me to do then ?????
You never know how cruel it is to me.
Enough is enough , eh? Does that mean you had enough of me?
At least explain it to me.. thoroughly!!!

Can't you see the reason behind all the messages that I've sent to you?
I know I told you don't have to reply me, but you really think I meant it?
Can't you see I really need you right now ?
Stop being that selfish, can you?
Does that mean whatever you've told me in the past are just lie?
Just to please me for awhile.... Sweet talk?

What do you want from me???!!!!!!
I can't get it at all.
For when I thought I can get over with you, you came back and leave me alone once again.
Do you know what have I been through just to fill up the hole you left in my heart?
How much I had suffered just to gain myself a little bit of confidence.
You came, and took everything away from me ... again.

I love you!! Yes, I still do.
But you don't have to exploit that love.
You really don't have to come back to me just because you think you will totally lose me.
You got yours happiness, but what about me?
Can't you just let me had some on my own as well?
At least me taste that happiness for a little longer.

I hate you, Yes , I am starting to.
I hate you when things get bad , you choose to run away , leave me alone and choose to ignore me.
I hate you know that how I afraid I am to the alone and yet you don't care for me at all.
I hate you ! I HATE YOU!!!
Damn!!

Seriously, what do you want me to do...
I really can't think of anything right now.
Why don't you just kill me.
End my life.
It least I know it's better than hurt me again and again.

I want you to be happy.
But I don't have to courage to bless you that.
You never how hurt it is to send your own love away to others.
You never know how many I did that just because I know you are in love with the others.
I feels like cutting my own meat down.

I want you to be happy.
But please, don't let me know how happy you are now.
At least I won't be able to think how much you hate me, want to ignore me and don't want to care for me anymore.