Remember What I Said To Myself.

Trying to grab the steering as hard as I could so that I know I am total in control with the car I was driving.
Through a lane, passing by.
I know just because I saw it.
I know what's in my mind, I know what I am thinking and I know what I am suppose to do.
So I laughed and smiled all the way trying to find something to distract myself.
It was almost perfect till suddenly I noticed the pain at my finger that I was bitting.
I know I couldn't hold any longer anymore.
So in the end, I burst and broken down.

What am I doing?
And why am I doing that?
That's the two main questions that I've been keep asking myself.
No answer was given.
I know what I had promised myself; remember what's the only mattter.
I've got to this no matter what and how.

For now, I am in total willing to pay any price just to ease this feeling a little.
Even by a little would be enough.

Sometimes especially at night, I've an urge to do something I know I suppose not to.
Maybe I should've just change my phone number away.
Maybe I should've just leave these places and go away as far as I could.
I just don't know why, I keep on feel like, there's a light ahead.
Haih...
Can someone please just tell me what should I do know, step by step, ended all of these.
I really dont know how much longer my mind and my heart could bear all these.
It just feel like I am going total insane.

Stated as at 1.10am, 30th April 2010 -

Confession(s)

I have some(a) confession(s) to make.
Since whenever, I had been going against my own heart.
I mean, whatever my heart felt, I tried so hard pushing the opposite way.
As for the result, nothing were going well.. at all!!

I am kind of a person that always follow the way that whatever my heart tell me to.
I believe in it but too bad it's not a good thing for a person like me who love to take risks.
Ahhh!!

I know I am not a perfect human.
Definitely not a good lover.
I tried and failed miserably.
But, for a good part, God gave me a heart that never give up on anything I love and always want to.
Hmm..I think I got to know more about myself since the day she finally deicided to left me.
I found that I've never try to dig deep down into myself.
Instead, I've always been trying to find out who she are.

Seriously, I have been writing a lot lately.
I always do that when I am not in the good mood, whenever my mind popping about her, whenever my feeling, my decisions, my heart waivered a little.
But, I never post any of them here.
Probably there's a little corner of my heart doesn't want her to see all of them.
But you guys may ask, "Why am I doing this now?"
Well, she will be flying back here the next day.
So I guess she won't be reading this for a long long time, myabe for days, or probably months. Well, there's a possibilty of "never" =).

I played a lot since that day.
Maybe I am just outsourcing some happiness since I've lost mine or, trying to cover waht I realy feel right now.
I've lost my motivation in life, I've lost my interest in almost anything.
She might be the one decide to leave me, but I am the one who decide to let her go.

Truthly speaking, some days ago I did tried to post something here to show that I am happy and doing well.
But when I opened my laptop, I was blank.
Maybe it is still easier to fake a smile physically if there's by any chance she and I meet.

I learnt something.
The past is the past, it's not important at all, so, forget them.
When two person together, doesnt mean they share the same heart and mind, if you don't say, he or she won't know what you think.
When you made a person you love smile for you, *pufff* it's like magic, you forget everything not nice happened between you and her and that's the time you may smile from your heart as well.
Your lover's hands are still always the best things in the world to hold, you almost can't let go of it.
Love is all about, she "yes" and "I do".

Okay, I admit.
I miss her.
So badly especially when the real happy face of her appear in my mind all the time.
There are times when I tried to brave myself to look for her but, whenver I think of burdening her for so long time, I gave up.
There are times when I wanna ask if there's any even a tiny biny possibility between me and her, I gave up because I am scare I may not able to be a better person for her.
Sometimes, I am thinking of just being friends with her but, I know myself could hardly control my own whenever she's beside me.
All I can do is, looking at her from far without her knowing my existence.
I can pretend I don't care, but I can't deny that my heart is still everything about her.
You know, there are lots of time that I was thinking, how if I do this and how if I do that when I am with her but....nah, I think since that day, there's no me in her anymore, so, what the hell am I thinking?

She's happy now, that's all the matters right?
But God, I've got to admit sometimes, I really do need her by myside even for just one minute.
Without talking at all, a smile would be just enough.

Kinda miss the time when she hugged my from my back, it feels like the warmest thing I've ever felt in my life.
That's when I felt, I am love by someone I love; the wwas be the best feeling ever in my whole life and it will always be.

A Note To God,
Dear God, as You know, my b'day is coming soon.
So, if there's any possibility, I may like to ask for a heart that is made of stone.
So that, I won't be able to feel anything at all anymore.
Thank you.
Amen.

Streamyx - The worst of everything.

"All of our TM customer representative are still busy. We will be reaching you as soon as possible."

That's what I paid for almost RM20 for since yesterday when I called the TM centre asking for the reason of why my internet line keep on disconnecting.
What I got in return?
"We will be giving you the feedback as soon as possible."
FUCK YOU!!

I feel so so angry and frustrated now.
I can feel the smoke coming out from both my ears and my head is boiling at the max temp.

I paid for the service to make myself angry!!!
If I didnt even call them yesterday, they won't even bother to inform me that my Streamyx line was actually connected and I get myself online already. SHIT THEM!
Well, that was okay.

The real problem of my anger is that, this SHITTY line get disconnected for every 2-5 minutes, never survive longer than that.
Then I have to wait for more than 5 mins to get it connected again.

NIAMA, ASAP!! Since yesterday, animal. More than 24 hours already.
No wonder Malaysia's Internet Service provider is rated way down below the worst among the world.

To get thing worse, TM actually even dare to sponsor some sort of event that doesn't even have a single connection with their service.
For example, the recent Ah Mei's Amit World Tour Concert.
Still got face to do so when the services provided is so lousy.
You thought Ah Mei is going to eat your lousy Streamyx service is it??!!
Instead wasting the fucking money at sponsor on non-related thing, why dont you just make your line better?

If you guys were me, some of you people might had already blown your own head up to the space while been given this kind of service and receiving a bill amounting up to RM200!!.
You paid for nothing except than worsening your own temper.
NO wonder there's lot of Malaysians are boycotting Streamyx.

If providing services is the main business of a company, satisfaction of the customer is the most important thing of all.
KEEP THAT IN MIND!! TURTLE-Myx!

An Antique

Do you guys ever try to dig into your old rotting vault for some very old songs that you listened to for the past, around ..urm ..5-10 years back before?
LOL!!!
This is what the liongteck is doing now.
I can't deny I am a bit past-tense person (urm okay, maybe a little bit too over). Haha.

And guess what songs am I listen to now?

One of the S.H.E.'s album~

Together!! =P



I tell you guys what, for me, that's the best album ever from them, not the lastest SHERO or whatever pussy cat.

I love, Always On My Mind, I love Tian Shi Zhai Chang Ge (Angle is singing), I love Bai She Lian Ge (White Love Song), Wo He Xing Fu You Yue Ding (I have date with the happiness [should be translated like this bah])!! I LOVE ALL OF THEM!

It reminds me of the past 9 years CNY I was having.
In the Cyber, Counter-Strike "ing" with friends with lots of foul words. HAHA!

That was one of the best celebration of CNY I ever had in my life.
No worries at all.

What's in the mind?

How am I going to get through my day today?
That’s the very first question I’ve been asking myself as I opened my eyes on the bed.
Well, I can sleep through the whole day or re-watching all the animes or movies.
If there’s an internet line here, I’m sure I would be Mapling my day off.
But the fact is, I don’t.
So, I tried the 1st option which is to sleep.
Mm, it worked for not more than 1 hour and I got frustrated.
Probably the alcohol doesn’t work anymore.
So I tried the later one and I found that I can almost remember every single word of the characters is going to say. SHIT HUH?!!!

I grabbed my Ipod, my wallet, my hand phone and the keys; changed my clothes and head to the nearby park for a jog.
Before, I would always go for a jogging to release my tension or whenever I was down by hoping that I could tired me off to death so that I could sleep at night.
But I forget since when, the spell seems to be losing the effect.
So this time I’m going to jog with every single ounce of my energy; even by walking I am going to use every tiny-biny of them off.
With the songs played in my ears, somehow I got even down that I expected.

Maybe I got way too into the songs, I found myself was in tears that I thought suppose to dried up since yesterday.
Well, that was still ok, since I don’t think anyone would found out due to the massive sweat I had on my face.

At the moment I was thinking, what I should I do or say to you tomorrow; the day you will fly here again.
Every sentence seems like a trap.
I don’t feel like making you uneasy.
But I think we really do need to clear this thing out, for good.

You know,
I seem to have floating around for a long time.
Trying so hard to kill the pain since the day you ignored me.
I think I’ve been to the place which seems to be for lovers; standing among them trying to look for some for my own.
Do you know that there are actually a lot of happy couples exist in this city?
They walked non-stop passing by me.
I am now standing under the sky you couldn’t see, watching the most exciting movie feels like I’m carrying the whole world’s loneliness.
Trying to keep the promise you never know.

Maybe I shouldn’t have followed the pace of yours who loves instant happiness for just a moment.
I tried so hard to make myself to get off the track that we had gone through together.
But no matter how hard I push and pull; I still couldn’t get myself out of the zone.
It seems to be most of the time I was alone to fight for the forever of our love.
Until today, I am still alone, testing my own limit.

I was wondering of why I always think that there must some kind of kinder excuses.
But almost all the time I tried, the outcomes are always unexpected.
Honestly, sometimes I am hoping to be just like you.
Let me have a day of your happiness.
Trying to understand how you feel, with lots of people around you all the time.
As the loneliness never exist.

I looked myself in the mirror and found that there are lots of words in my heart can’t be said.
Wondering when the day is for me to able to release them.
What kind of expression I should show?
How should I express them?

As I am growing up, I found that this world is changing all the times and you are too.
Sweet words don’t seem to be as sweet as before anymore.
Everything about me is not as important as before.
Remembering the day that you care for our love a lot, that was the most beautiful, the most genuine happiness I ever felt in my life.
Sometimes I was thinking, am I being too naïve if I ask,
“Can I experience one more time the feeling of you do really care for me till the day you want me to leave?”

Sometimes I do think you are just acting stupid or else it would mean that you really don’t care anymore.
Silence is always the answer you gave.
Somehow I should’ve told you waiting for you has never been an easy job for me.
It’s true that I really don’t know how to express myself.
All I know when you are truly in love, you might end up being the one who got hurt the most.
I also know there are many ways of loving a person.
One of them is granting her the freedom or sincerely blessing them from heart.
ARR!! Who knows how hurtful it would be of sending of his loves one?
I will be the 1st who raise my hand.

I could still feel the scent of your kiss.
The shadow of yours sitting besides holding my cold freezing hand.

Some people are just that easy to fall in love and forgetting them by just clicking their fingers.

Listening to the song titled “HAO XIANG HAO HAO AI NI” remind me of the last song you sang on my last and the only b’day with you by my side.
I don’t care is it for me or her, I think I would just selfishly treat it as you are singing the song just for me.
Since I know you seem to almost cry every time when you heard and sing the song.
I know; I just can’t say it out for fear that; it’s not because of me.

There it goes; liongteck is emo-ing once again when he knows he is not supposing to.

Sane No More

I was totally on fire yesterday.
You see, I've been very uneasy with my life since last week and never had a good day for myself.
And, I wonder when was the last day that I could fall asleep at the night time already.
Yesterday probably the day that my uneasiness or anger was on its climax I think.
I can't sit still, I can't think well and YES!! I almost like having a sign of going crazy soon.
I found myself bitting my thumb a lot with driving around and inhaled way too much nicotine as I usual did.

Well, I seriously need help.
So, I asked my housemate whether want to go sing K with me.
Oh, my main purpose was to shout everything out. LOL!
But these were what happened.
I asked him at the day time but he seemed not to has any interest at all so he rejected.
But due to the boring"ness" we were having in the same house with only 2 guys who don't talk much, I managed to persuaded him to go but at the night time.
So, I got myself ready the moment he said yes.

Ok, that was way too early to prepare myself, so I did everything I could to distract my mind a little bit.
Borrowing his broadband to see this and that, trying to milk out some topic to talk to him, and bla bla bla ..
YES!! It was finally 8pm!

First I drove my us to the nearest Popwave but the place seems to be so fucking dammn full or probably the Kuching people are way too "kiasu" so lots of them called and booked their room so they can come late and see the person who came early for not having any room.
We left and went into The Spring to the K box, and as we saw the price listed at the outside board, I was thinking, that's is alright, only RM3 more than the Popwave.
BUT!!! My housemate suddenly said, "No, I think the time was too long, I scare later my phone will keep on ringing."
I was like, " FUCK YOU MAN!! YOU PLAY ME IS IT??! WHY DONT YOU JUST SAY NO IN THE FIRST PLACE?! I DIDNT FORCE YOU WITH A KNIFE ON THE NECK, DID I?"
Of course, I didn't say those all out or else I will be even lonelier than I was now.
Instead I ask, "Then what are we going to do now?"
"Watch movie la", he answered.
Seriously, at that time when I heard this, I really feel like vomiting at the spot!
I mean it I swear.

Look, I've been watching 3 straight night movies in 3 days plus 1 or 2 more this week and I even almost choose to watch 2 movies at a the night before.
Movie again, you will see me running around in the movie hall naked and screaming all the bad words you could think of.

He seems to know that he had offended me and brought me to the legendary Holland so he suggested us to drink some tea before headed back and we did.
However, Like I said, I cant even sit still at all.
All I remember was being a cho-cho train for all the time there to keep myself down a little then finally head back.
You see, most of the time, I would think of a shortest route to reach the destination while I am driving but this time, I can't even think so I would just drive anywhere I can as long as I could reach home.
But before that, I came a coffee shop and had myself a little "painkiller"
It's the thing that saved my night.
Seriously, it never tasted as nice as that night before.
It was the best lullaby, best mind distraction thingy.



LOL!!
As I always stress on that I am never a drinker, I mean it.
But yesterday I was totaly insane that I really in need of them.
I willingly gulped down an amount of it and it feels good when I could feel that it started working at my system.

I've always been describing some people who always stick their night at the bars as.. well, you know.
But somehow, I finally realised what are they have been going through.
I really does feel good at the time like this even it's only for a moment.
I've never drink any beers tastier than this.
I've never so graceful that I was having headahce the moment the alcohol is taking place.
I've never been vomitting with a smile before.
I've never been crying my heart out loud with a laugh like yesterday.
And it really has been a long time since I could finally tired myself out on the bed at the night time.
Somehow, I just dont care I might get addicted for being at the heaven even though for just a moment.

Remind me of a saying in the movie of Protege, "Which one is the scariest of all; drugs or the loneliness?"
I think I finally understand you and most of the people in this very world.

你真的爱我吗？

我在想，这一次，即使太阳出来了，我还能够睡的造吗？
好想时间可以快一点过去哦，直到我的心不在这么的痛那一天。
我真的不知道你想在我的身上找些设么。。
为设么还要叫我回来呢？
难道真的只是因为而可怜我吗？

真的，真的好想念以前的你。
一个全心全意爱我的你。
一个会为我而打扮的你。
一个会更我说你好想我的你。
一个在等着我回来的你。
一个，真正知道我爱她的你。

也许我的话对你来说已不重要了。
也许你早已都不相信我述说的一切了吧，所以你拆会不记得你对我来说有多重要了。

你在也不在这么做了，这是不是代表我对你来说没有这么重要了呢？

如果可以的话，真的好想能够知到你的心里在想些设么。

但是我知道，你不会关心我了。

这里所有的字是我为了更想了解你而学的。
但是，我永远也猜不透你的心。

如果你记得的话，这里有一个好想念你的人。
一个爱你爱到快看不到他自己了。
但你在做那所有的事的时候，会不会还有他呢？

看到太阳了，我还不想回到我的房间去。
好想继续坐着不要动，直到所有的一切都消失去。

You Don't Care Anyway.

I’ve never feel so nice in the dark before.
With headphone deep in my ears, volume to the max, distracting my mind.
Casting away everything about you and me.
Trying to experience how is it likes to be you without me, but still I failed.
At least it works half with all the sounds bombing in my ears.
How I wish I could never take off them.

It’s not easy to not screaming out loud whenever I’m in the pain.
With all my might, I hold my breath as long as I could.
But no matter how hard I try, I still couldn’t hold myself from bursting into tears.
Wiping away my tears, I keep on repeating at myself that I promise not to cry anymore.
Not to show pity in front of anyone ever again.
Whatever comes, I will go through them, ALONE!

I wonder what is the “Sorry” is for.
For ignoring me?
For hurting my feeling?
For doesn't care me?
Or is it for telling me that whatever you said is just to make me feel better on that period of time?

If these are all about competition between me and her.
For now, I am raising the white flag.
Yes, finally, I’ve lost.
I am not like her who is able give everything you’ve ever dream of.
Love is everything I had.
But for now, it has lost it weight.
You’ve showed me the weight is at whose side all the time.

It doesn’t matter whatever I’ve said to you.
It’s not important anymore, or I should’ve known that you don’t really care in the first place.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve told me before.
For now I know, those were just temporary comfort to me.

I realize I’ve always been burdening you down with my so called love.
Even though I did try very hard not to do so, it failed most of the time.
I admit there is no way I would let you from leaving my life since it feels like cutting my own meat down.
But from everything I had saw from you, it’s always the better choice for you, for me.

Since you don’t care about me anyway,
I would just assume that you will be a lot happier this way.
The so called freedom, you will have, but in exchange, you will have me lost.
Happiness you will have, but in exchange, I will have you lost.

It’s kind of funny, at the time like this, your smiling face that I would smile whenever I think of, appear in my mind.

Does this settle your confusion a little?
Does this finally erase your dilemma after all these days?
I hope you will feel all of these worth a little.

A boy who loves you so much that he even forgot who he is anymore.

Assure Me a Little

I am like a child who was promised a bedtime story tale by his mother tonight.
Since he knows how busy his mother will be, so he waited patiently on the bed with books to choose for her mother to read for him tonight.
However, no matter how long he waited, his mother just won’t show up in his room.
Afraid of creating disturbance to his mother, he waited and waited.
In the end, he slept with the books on his hands, with the doors and the lights on expecting that his mother would come.
By the time he woke up in the next few hours, with great disappointment, he realized that her mother never even come in for his tale.
The lights were still on and the doors were still widely opened.
And still, he holds the same books in his hands.
Wondering if it is his mother doesn’t like to tell him the story or he was forgotten.
The poor boy knows he would never know the stories inside the books since he will not ask the same questions from his mother anymore.
It’s not because he didn’t dare to.
It’s because he’s afraid that if he ask her again, her mother would tend to forget him or hate him even more.
With hopes that his mother would come in one day on her own for his bed time story, he hugs the books every night while he is sleeping, even though, he knows it is almost impossible to happen.

-Your words aren’t promises-
They are assurances.
I am sure that I belief in them.
And with those assurances, I can assure that I am still in the safe zone.
But if they are broken, you’ll lose my trusts.

So, I am in love with your smiles.
If I am not the source of your happiness, I wonder, will it be the best option for me to leave you at the other side.

I just thought I will be okay at first, but in fact, I am still not.

You decide.

It's weird.
I found myself have a habit these days of sleeping in between 10-12am then woke up in the next 2-3 hour for sure.
Well that was alright, but the weird thing is, everytime when I woke up, I feel very very insecure.
It's like, I am very worry of something which even myself couldn't get what it is.
I don't know.
Slowly, the worry of mine, little by little were focused into my relationship between me and her.
That's when I feel the extreme loneliness.
I am still wasn't too sure at 1st, I thought it was just me, but this thought of mine was changed until I realized the action of her towards me from far.

Look, tell me what you want, instead of leaving me rotting here.
Tell me what's going on instead of leaving me wondering do I still having you by myside or not everyday.
Tell me what's so important about me that you instead of holding me tight, you prefer to just tied me up with a thin rope holding the other side of it.
Tell me what's in your mind when you never wan to care for me, and decide not to lose me too.
Tell me what are you thinking instead of putting love into our relationship, you keep hurting me from the inside.
Tell me, now tell me.

I tell you what, I love you, I care for you, that's why I try so hard not to find you but that's when I saw you prefer in others instead of me.
I tell you what, I never or even I can't afford to lose you, since you are so important to me that I hope to hold you so tightly and you push me backward when I tried to reach you.
I tell you what, I would go for you, if you call for me, but the fact is you will never call no matter what happened.
I tell you what, you know I would let you go to the place you prefer more as long as you asked from me and I would do my best leaving you alone.
I tell you what, I've been thinking about you everyday but I wonder do you even remember about me or not.

Today is the last day when you will be physically nearer to me.
And as I expected, you won't even find me yesterday to ask about today.
I wont even be surprised if you've already forgotten what I've ask of you last Monday as well.

By then, my love,
You will have me lose you for a very long time.
I will be at a place where it will be so dark that you wont be able to see me anymore.
A place where even sounds are not able to reach me.
And that's when you will have your Goodbye which you always love to.

You know, I've always been given you the power to decide everything in us.
Because whenever I try to decide anything, you will either push back or leaving me with an unreasonable amount of dissappointment.
For now, my love,
You decide, what we are.

Before, I always thought I've learnt the lesson to no have hopes for the future so that I wouldnt be hurt.
But as I indugled in you, I was forgetting that very basic mindset.
The emptier you are, the lesser you lose.
But why, when I am thinking about losing you, I feel that I am losing everything.

If only one day you would just let me walk into your mind.

It has been awhile since the last time I sat outside alone watching the moon and the stars writing things with lots of her in my mind.
I can still remember that feeling of how bad I miss her at that time.
And still, I am.
Even though we’ve just met just now, it still feels like it has already been weeks probably months I’ve never see you in face.
Ouh, I never thought I would be such a jerk once again.

You will be leaving in a week time.
By then, we won’t be seeing each other for a very long time anymore.
I am really regretted of what I did just now, or what I didn’t do.

Maybe I was just angry.
A little jealous maybe.
Because I always thought with the entire patient I could wait, it will be paid off one day.
3 weeks, 3 Sundays, that’s all I had been thinking.
After that you will be back to the person who might care for and miss me just a little more.
In fact, I was told that I won’t be able to see you for another 14 weeks, 14 Sundays starting today.
I am a little jealous, jealous of the person who will be given your 10 days among these 98 days though.

Sigh.
I am really wondering what is on your mind now.
What’ve you been thinking of me?
If there is any possible, I really would like you to tell me everything on your mind.

I know I can’t stop you from doing what you want, at least that is the only thing that I think I can do for you.
I definitely can’t stop you from pursing your dream.

I know I’ve been acting like a kid demanding for attention.
But you should know I did this because of I love you don’t you?
I know there’s lots of ways of loving a person.
Maybe I only did that best when you are not by my side, just like in the past.
Maybe you have your way of loving a person as well.

You must know that I didn’t take the kiss just now it is all because I am a little scare of that might the last one.
If I am given a second chance like just now, I doubt I could hold myself once again.

You will never remember me whenever you are into your works, that’s when I’ve been thinking am I losing you already.
I did my best in grabbing your little attention, I did my best to remind you of me just a little, but I never thought all of these were just annoyance to you.
I am not as tough as you can see.
I am fragile especially with the person I never want to lose in my life, maybe a little too fragile.
I am sorry.

You will be leaving on the coming Saturday and your busiest day of the week will be ended by the day before that.
I was just thinking if I would be given another chance for me to claim the kiss I haven’t got just now.
I miss them so so badly now.
Your hugs and the kisses.

3/4/2010

I could still remember that day when I was about to stop my pace and try to walk on my own.
Without you in front me, without me following anyone anymore.
It was the day that I tried so hard to mask up myself in front the other everyone telling them I am happy.

And that’s when I heard you called my name from far, asking where am I.
I decide to ignore at first, try to take my own very first step.
But in the end, I failed to oblige myself.
I ran back to you as fast as I could.
As I thought there is a chance to start everything over once again.

It was sweet a first.
It had been so long since I felt my steps were so light.
Not even a single weight I could feel.

But people say happiness never last longer than you thought.
It was so true that these days I began to ask how long I do worth this time.
I found myself are just following you around, watching your steps, trying very hard to adopt your pace.
Counting the days you may turn back and call my name again.
But in the end, you made me doubt if all these worth even a little or not.

Assumptions were made when you don’t say a word.
Don’t blame on it since you never want to talk to me.
Your actions were the thing that created these assumptions.

Thank you for calling my name and turned back on me once I’ve reached you there.
At least I thought, I could hear your voice for a time again.

Thank you for making me feels that I am important again.
Even for a short little time.

I am just wondering if one and a half year days are equivalent to less than 2 months,
How long should I wait for a “forever”.

Tell you what, in case you can’t feel it, it feels as pain as the first time you left.

I don’t change huh?