Confession(s)

I have some(a) confession(s) to make.
Since whenever, I had been going against my own heart.
I mean, whatever my heart felt, I tried so hard pushing the opposite way.
As for the result, nothing were going well.. at all!!

I am kind of a person that always follow the way that whatever my heart tell me to.
I believe in it but too bad it's not a good thing for a person like me who love to take risks.
Ahhh!!

I know I am not a perfect human.
Definitely not a good lover.
I tried and failed miserably.
But, for a good part, God gave me a heart that never give up on anything I love and always want to.
Hmm..I think I got to know more about myself since the day she finally deicided to left me.
I found that I've never try to dig deep down into myself.
Instead, I've always been trying to find out who she are.

Seriously, I have been writing a lot lately.
I always do that when I am not in the good mood, whenever my mind popping about her, whenever my feeling, my decisions, my heart waivered a little.
But, I never post any of them here.
Probably there's a little corner of my heart doesn't want her to see all of them.
But you guys may ask, "Why am I doing this now?"
Well, she will be flying back here the next day.
So I guess she won't be reading this for a long long time, myabe for days, or probably months. Well, there's a possibilty of "never" =).

I played a lot since that day.
Maybe I am just outsourcing some happiness since I've lost mine or, trying to cover waht I realy feel right now.
I've lost my motivation in life, I've lost my interest in almost anything.
She might be the one decide to leave me, but I am the one who decide to let her go.

Truthly speaking, some days ago I did tried to post something here to show that I am happy and doing well.
But when I opened my laptop, I was blank.
Maybe it is still easier to fake a smile physically if there's by any chance she and I meet.

I learnt something.
The past is the past, it's not important at all, so, forget them.
When two person together, doesnt mean they share the same heart and mind, if you don't say, he or she won't know what you think.
When you made a person you love smile for you, *pufff* it's like magic, you forget everything not nice happened between you and her and that's the time you may smile from your heart as well.
Your lover's hands are still always the best things in the world to hold, you almost can't let go of it.
Love is all about, she "yes" and "I do".

Okay, I admit.
I miss her.
So badly especially when the real happy face of her appear in my mind all the time.
There are times when I tried to brave myself to look for her but, whenver I think of burdening her for so long time, I gave up.
There are times when I wanna ask if there's any even a tiny biny possibility between me and her, I gave up because I am scare I may not able to be a better person for her.
Sometimes, I am thinking of just being friends with her but, I know myself could hardly control my own whenever she's beside me.
All I can do is, looking at her from far without her knowing my existence.
I can pretend I don't care, but I can't deny that my heart is still everything about her.
You know, there are lots of time that I was thinking, how if I do this and how if I do that when I am with her but....nah, I think since that day, there's no me in her anymore, so, what the hell am I thinking?

She's happy now, that's all the matters right?
But God, I've got to admit sometimes, I really do need her by myside even for just one minute.
Without talking at all, a smile would be just enough.

Kinda miss the time when she hugged my from my back, it feels like the warmest thing I've ever felt in my life.
That's when I felt, I am love by someone I love; the wwas be the best feeling ever in my whole life and it will always be.

A Note To God,
Dear God, as You know, my b'day is coming soon.
So, if there's any possibility, I may like to ask for a heart that is made of stone.
So that, I won't be able to feel anything at all anymore.
Thank you.
Amen.